Feelgood Theosophy

Feelgood Theosophy

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Alternative Glossary

ACUPUNCTURE is an ancient Chinese medical technique of healing people by sticking them with needles. Western doctors have recently discovered Acupuncture and find it similar to their more modern technique of sticking patients with large medical bills. Western doctors are now using Acupuncture to block the sensation of pain, while the Chinese use it to remove the causes of pain. Naturally such inscrutable Oriental purposes have no appeal to doctors or their accountants.

AKASHIC RECORDS. The Akashic Records are a great big VCR in the sky that records everything that ever happens, particularly about you. (Yes, even that time when you thought you were all alone in your room is

there). The Akashic Records are sometimes confused with Santa Claus' files, which, of course, tell him if you've been "naughty or nice." They are not the same. With Santa's records, you at least stand a 50% chance of

getting goodies. The Akashic Records are Cosmically Impartial - no prezzies.

AURAS are fields of energy around our bodies which most of us can't see but some people who come to Theosophical meetings claim that they can. Most Theosophists people believe in Auras even if they

can’t see them. Auras have different colors.

It is supposed that you can tell how highly evolved people are by the colour of their auras. However, there are so many different theories about Auras that people are confused about which colours are better than others. Theosophists tend to let this go by saying that the colours are energies which are viewed subjectively. Everybody does agree that having any color of Aura is better than having none at all.

Here is the final definitive, scientific rating of Aura colors:

White - Forget it. They're avoiding you. You wouldn't know one if it bit you.

Violet - Very, very high. If you see someone with a violet aura, try to ingratiate yourself.

Blue - Highly conscious, although somewhat pompous.

Blue - Green - Semi-conscious. Fun at parties.

Green - Reasonably conscious. Very healthy. Fond of plants.

Yellow - Average. Some hope for evolution, although unlikely to be interested in it.

Orange - Has moments of consciousness. Uninspired sexual partner.

Red - Passionate and quick tempered, but not very b-r-i-g-h-t.

Brown - Traditionally referred to as "robot-consciousness".

Black - Unpleasant at best. Avoid them.

BARDO is a Tibetan word for the complete period between death and the next rebirth. This covers the complete programme of events that the period involves. There’s a bit of confusion with the term “Bardo” as some Hindu and Buddhist systems use it to refer to specific events in that programme.

BERMUDA TRIANGLE. The Bermuda Triangle is a place in the Atlantic

Ocean where things disappear a lot. Big things like boats and airplane squadrons. Little things like people. Some people think the Bermuda Triangle is where Atlantis used to be. They say an old Atlantean laser

beam occasionally zaps things into oblivion. Others say it's an underwater UFO airport and that the UFO people like to collect visitors. You can impress people with the theory that it’s a hole in reality that occasionally opens up so that things

fall through into another universe.

CHANNELING is what Channels do. A Channel is a person who does channeling. Is that clear? Let's try again. Suppose someone is dead (or at least highly evolved and not in a body) and wants to talk to

people who are still alive (or at least hanging out in a body).

Okay, one more time. Suppose higher entities want to talk to us lower entities. They can't talk directly to most of us because our minds are too busy to listen. So they find someone whose mind isn't as active to act as a channel. This person channels information from the higher entity to us lower entities. Naturally the channel charges for this information, but that's only so the channel can continue to provide this valuable public service. Channeling is very popular in Theosophical circles these days. It seems the other dimensions are filled with entities with something to say. In fact, so many of us lower entities are becoming channels ourselves that soon we may

all be channels. Everybody will talking and nobody will be listening. (that’s not new)

CRYSTALS are pretty rocks. They are considered to be better than other pretty rocks because they vibrate.

It used to be that you could buy pretty rocks like crystals for a few pence. Now they can be luxury items.

DRUGS are things which people put in their mouths, arms, or noses to feel different. People take them to wake up, go to sleep,

liven up, calm down, see things, stop seeing things, feel better, or stop feeling at all. Others take them just to pass the time.

Some Drugs are legal. They make lots of money for Tobacco and Liquor Companies. Other drugs are kind of legal. They make lots of money for Pharmaceutical Companies. Still other drugs aren't legal at all. They make lots of money for farmers, self-employed businessmen, politicians, bankers, and government and law enforcement agencies. If you are into any of this, Theosophy has some dire warnings for you.

ENLIGHTENMENT is what all Theosophists are after. Nobody really knows what it is, but everyone agrees it must be better than being unenlightened, which is where most of us are now. Some people believe that if you are Enlightened you will never have any problems again. You will have all the money and things you need (although you won't care about them) and you can spend the rest of your life (or lives) just grooving with Nature and God. The cacth is that Theosophy maintains that after you become Enlightened your work has only just begun. Where does it end?

GLOBAL VILLAGE. At first sight this seems a very Theosophical idea in which everybody is excellent to each other (Bill & Ted quote). Global Village means that everybody will be connected with everybody else and that instead of having lots of little governments that nobody likes, we will have one big government which for some reason everybody is expected to like. When we have one big Global Village, everybody will be a Citizen of the World, and we won't need passports any more. According to some sources, a simple mark on the forehead will be sufficient.

A GURU is a person who teaches you things. It has been said that everyone is your Guru. This of course implies that you are everyone

else's Guru as well. Have you been shirking your responsibilities? You’d better get on with it. Being a Guru is a serious business. At least most of the better-known Gurus are serious about their business. Just ask their accountants.

HEALTH FOOD is what current health wisdom tells us to eat. It is claimed that Health Food makes us radiant, clear-eyed, mucus-free, and regular. All official Health Food is organic, which means the guy who sells it claims it has no dirty-old chemical and artificial things in it. Health Food usually costs a bundle. Eating Health Food gives the “ Health Food Fanatic” such a healthy, sensitive body that it absolutely freaks out if it takes in something unhealthy (a good bag of fish & chips). Considering our environment and the need to have a “life”, would you really like to have a body like that?

I CHING. The I Ching is a very old Chinese book. People throw coins or sticks and then read in the I Ching what their future will be and what they should do about it. This is considered to be much more profound than flipping a coin.

KARMA is what happens when you do something. If you do something nice, you get nice back. If you do something wicked, you're up a creek. Of course you may not get it until another lifetime, by which time you'll probably have forgotten how it started and ask "Why me?"

Karma is a Cosmic Law. That means you can ignore it all you want but there's no way you can get away from it. But keep on trying if you like. It passes the time.

KUNDALINI is a serpent of energy curled up at the base of the spine, which rises when one meditates on it. When one gets really good at it, the Kundalini comes all the way up the spine, frazzles the brain, and leaps out the top. This is considered very desirable by people who practice Kundalini. Lots of people practicing Kundalini have been so successful that they are now living in nice, quiet places where they can be with others like themselves.

LEVITATION means defying the law of gravity and floating above the ground. There are now people who will teach you how to levitate. Apparently the method involves relieving yourself of certain unessential encumbrances (tens, twenties, fifties) thereby lightening your essential self.

Levitation, incidentally, is how the Egyptians built their pyramids. People often wonder how they carried those big stones up the steps of half-finished pyramids. They didn't. They built them from the top down.

LOVE is a highly rated commodity. Theosophists love everyone. You can tell this because they smile very sweetly, speak in soft, gentle voices, radiate total acceptance, and forgive you immediately for all your faults. If you enjoy this sort of Pure Saintly Behavior you are a true Theosophist and should definitely come to meetngs. However, if Pure Saintly Behavior drives you up a wall, we suggest you look elsewhere. After all, there are still plenty of outfits where love isn’t even in the equation.

NUMEROLOGY is the science of Numbers. No, it's not like Arithmetic. That is a different kind of science. Numerology is about the meaning of numbers. Each number from 1 to 9 has a special meaning. Your name has its own special number. If you add up all its letters (A=1, B=2, and so on), you'll get a number that tells you your life's path. If you don't like that particular path, you can change your name and get a new one that gives you a better path. You don't think Arnold Schwarzenegger was born with that name, do you?

O is for OM. OM is a Sanskrit word and many Theosophists are Sanskrit enthusiasts. In fact OM is an essential word in any Theosophist’s vocabulary.

When someone chants Om, that person becomes One With The Universe. Because it is a very powerful word, you should not repeat Om more than 1728 times at one sitting. If you do, you might become so One With The Universe that you will never....ever....come...back. You've been warned.

POWER SPOTS are places on the planet that have extra special energy. Some Theosophists are interested in Power Spots because they are said to include good places for annual lodge outings like Stonehenge, the Great Pyramid, Machu Picchu, Mt. Shasta, and Shirley MacLaine's birthplace.

A recent development is the idea that Power Spots are directly connected with: 1) Ancient civilizations 2) Secret societies 3) Flying saucers, and 4) Planetary Chakras

When you get there Power Spots are considered to be good places for 1) Great Meditation 2) Great Sex 3) Great Shopping, and 4) Great Meditative Sex (actually nobody knows what that is).

REINCARNATION means that after we die we come back in a new body for another lifetime, then we die, then we come back again and so on, over and over. To Theosophists reincarnation means we come back as humans.

Supposedly, we keep reincarnating until we learn our lessons, whatever they may be. Since most of us are a little slow at catching on to things, we've been doing this

for millions of years. This is called being on the Wheel of Karma. Some people think Reincarnation is a great excuse for waiting till the next lifetime to do anything.

TANTRA is a special kind of sex which is done for spiritual reasons.

The THIRD EYE is the one in the middle of your forehead which you might not have noticed yet, but which all seekers of enlightenment want to open. They figure if they can see two dimensions with one

eye, and three dimensions with two eyes, just imagine what they might see with three eyes!

One supposed method of opening the Third Eye is by drilling a hole in the forehead. This has not been a popular technique but there is a picture of it on the cover of Pantera’s “Far Beyond Driven” album.

Another way is through meditation Still another way is to say nice things to it and coax it open.

What about a Third Ear?

WHOLE EARTH means the entire planet on which we live. The symbol of the Whole Earth is a picture of the Earth taken from

space. It shows a beautiful blue-green gem shining in the black void of space.

Unfortunately that jewel in space is covered with a lot of people who believe in Part Earth. And they generally think their part is better than the other parts.

Whole Earth People tend to think the whole thing is pretty nice. And that there's really no way to divide the thing into parts

anyhow.

YIN/YANG is an ancient Oriental concept.

Yin/Yang means that everything has its opposite within it. Every Yin has a

little Yang inside, and every Yang contains a little Yin. What this means is that everything that seems one way is really kind of the other way too. And that opposites aren't really opposed because in some way they're already like their opposition.

Therefore, since nothing is really what it seems -- and generally more like what it doesn't seem -- there's not much sense in worrying about anything because it's not what we thought it was anyhow. Don't you find this reassuring?

ZEN is everything. It is the indefinable made manifest. (Or is it the manifest made indefinable? Zen can be very confusing.) Anyway, in addition to being everything, Zen is also nothing. Therefore it is not necessary to do Zen. Nevertheless, there are special places called Zen monasteries where people do Zen, which of course they were already doing even when they weren't doing Zen.

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